Lost Draft

I know I'll always want to exceed myself, pursuing excellence, breaching limits it's my nature, on the other hand, also my curse; I tried to escape from it but in the end I just couldn't fight it I can't deny myself after all  so no matter what, just stay with my true self, and be with those who make me want to be a better person accepting who I really am; then, keep on walking :) 

我其實蠻討厭那種犧牲自己照亮他人的個性 （當然我不可能是那種人，我他x的太自私了） 犧牲的人，這裡說的是真的犧牲生命去換其他人的存活 有沒有想過那些受你恩澤的人想不想要這樣，願不願意用你的生命換他們的 至少我就不要 那種人情債一輩子都還不了，而且我絕對不認同死一個救萬人的這種交換方式，太爛了

雖然說被別人關心感覺起來好像應該要開心吼... 這算是被關心了嗎XD 離題 那種態度反反覆覆，又不說破的模糊界線真的是讓我很北宋 最痛恨就是那種吊人胃口、給你希望最後又跟你說很抱歉請無視我剛剛的發言 喔幹那你沒事說這些東西是要怎樣？想要怎樣就明白的說清楚，這會很難嗎...？可能真的很難 你說話傷到我，不管是心情還是自尊隨便，那也是我的問題，跟你沒關係 想好考慮好再告訴我你的決定，你的決策過程我只能提供資訊無法幫你下決定，反之亦然 唉，光是想到我是整個package吃下來的這種個性，總有一天會真正的死很慘 真的，你做好準備吧，我是個愛了就予取予求，不愛了就絕對無情的個性，希望你不會把我對你的愛消耗殆盡，結局像是那些前人一樣

for this semester, overall i still have quite good performance in terms of coursework the third one i didn't put much effort due to time constrain; however, the mark was surprisingly high, 70% the result suggested either i am really a genius or i learn how to criticise an article; well, i'm more convinced by the later

跟小樂出去逛街XD外加吃吃喝喝到處亂走行程 很多事情真的是要說給好朋友聽，自己才能理出頭緒的感覺 如果今天沒有這樣好好的說，以及被其他人檢查（或是說評論） 很多事情還是隱藏在潛意識亂糟糟的，沒有被整理 婚姻 戀愛 友情 其實我還在想，為什麼變成男女朋友之後態度就要改變呢 不就是跟當朋友的時候一樣嗎？ 我愛你，所以希望你開開心心的過生活 如果你的開心不是建立在跟我在一起的基礎上，那就去找能讓你開心的對象吧 這個『希望對方幸福快樂』的假設，即使我日後會難過那個讓你開心的人不是我，或是我做不到，也就只能這樣，我想我遠遠的看我也會很開心的 流淚、難過、無力這些很負面很悲傷的情緒是一定會有的 不過只要記住一件事情，就是你的旅程本來就是一個人（自己） 即使是一生的摯愛也僅僅是這段長程旅途中的旅伴 所以不但要成就自己也應該要成就他人 為什麼愛情一定要這樣的限制自由呢？ 又應該說，為什麼是由別人（另一半）來界定你的自由？難道自己沒有一個行事的準則嗎？ 還是我太奇怪了@@ 愛上一個人不就是會愛他的全部？ 也就是說我之前想要的其實是對方能夠給我在愛情中足夠的空間跟自由，可是忘記了自由這種東西本來就是取決於自己的意志 無關對於對方的喜愛或是任何其他的特質 也許對方的特質就是隨波逐流，不去計畫未來，以不準備對付千變萬化 這種隨意隨性過生活的能力我很欣賞，但是不是我能夠去做的... 所以發現自己不愛的時候真的就是這樣全盤推翻 有夠無情 婚姻，對我來說在神的面前發誓是非常嚴肅的決定 如果這個對象從根本就是錯的，很悲劇的，之後會完全變成修行... 抱持著『大家試試看』的想法一開始就會走錯路，除非遇到的人就是命運之人 很不幸的，我不太相信我有這樣的運氣，或是說，命運之人會是以這種方式降臨我的生命 所以還是睜大眼睛看清楚，再做決定吧... 朋友，重質不重量 尤其是經歷過這些年來的驚嚇，我真的覺得不要浪費時間跟合不來的人交往了 有些人就是不合拍，這樣也不用強求，頻率對了就會走在一起，至於其他，就看緣份吧... 但是已經是好朋友的那些人，都已經這麼多年的友誼了，沒什麼能說不能說的狗屁，還要在你們面前帶面具我他x的很累，看不順眼說出來，...

i only got one hour (maybe plus 30 minutes) sleep and then left for Manchester International Airport although i exhausted myself over those assignments and didn't get much sleep either, i feel happy and content at the same time because me and mr. hamberg finally had some insight discussion about our own expectations and our near future plans, which would be very useful in terms of making my own arrangement  i really appreciated his honesty with me, and i shall return the same favor mb the timing is still wrong for now, if God prepared this person for me, we'll end up with each other finally  for now, at least we will have some time together and just cherish each other's accompany, i guess that's the best i can offer in return of what he has offered, inspirations, way of thinking, way of organizing things thank you for making me want to become a better girl :) i'll be grateful for that all my life right now i have to concentrate on my next stage plan preparation and ...

很快的寫一下，因為是剛剛跟大人們討論出來的東西 知道自己想要什麼，不能失去/錯過什麼，在規劃人生的道路上面比較不容易迷失自己隨波逐流 不是說隨波逐流不好，只能說那不是我的哲學，不是我的核心價值觀 的確我對很多事情都有計畫，我也知道計畫跟不上變化，但是當自己心中有了定見之後，才能從混亂中生存 對我自己我的要求很高，因為那是我跟我自己的戰鬥，我用以榮耀我的主宰的方式 只能說，未來的伴侶，真的是要能夠看著相同方向，並且也在朝著相同方向前進的人 其他人我只能謝謝你的愛，對不起我不是你的Miss Right

in mid-March, it snowed all night in EDI and this was the view i woke up to, damn   things are a bit out of control right now still three essays on the road and neither of them closing to finish, shocking! finals are coming and i'm not sure the time i set to prepare is enough...i need excellent grades, this time is not like first semester, experiencing everything, this is war!!! handing my proposal and unsure how my supervisor is going to say... defining my feelings and figuring out what i really want... this is the most important priority to me of course i know my current goals and aims, but also i have to plan the future, step by step future is the path from present

(from another window, one living proof of how Scotland weather changes dramatically, snowy in night but sunny in day)  this is what Anna told me just now mb i should think of my dissertation as a broader idea coz i might be doing it for PhD if i want to oh man, that's two birds with one stone, if i really go further, i have to be more cautious with my dissertation now ouch!! thanks to different friends with various points of views, helps a lot

洋蔥番茄培根義大利麵，非常的好吃但是也非常的高血壓XD調味只有鹽巴跟黑胡椒，少許義大利混合香草 先下培根，等到油出的差不多開始下洋蔥跟大蒜，洋蔥軟了之後下番茄，等番茄軟了就可以把煮剛好的義大利麵丟下去了 這個禮拜整個人懶洋洋的沒勁做事，大概是開始想吃家裡的食物吧（或者說，家鄉的食物） 剛剛把整顆大白菜切段，用辣油炒，配上阿舍乾麵，白菜我沒有放太多鹽巴，嘟嘟好配上過鹹的阿舍乾麵醬汁，完美 （但是我想我應該要反省一下，一餐就吃掉一整顆大白菜這有點太超過了...但是也只有麵跟菜...） 回台灣一定要好好的吃這邊吃不到的東西...天啊真的是雞排、蚵仔麵線、有的沒的夜市小吃是我最最懷念（幾乎也是最最不健康的）食物耶

again back to the same old question but actually effective and important one What is your motive to make such choice? It's a very good one, and I've not given it a good and thorough thought still weighing my options but I guess this question will hunt me down to last minute if I don't try to figure out...

this is a quick wrap-up I normally have when I really want to close something bothered me, feelings, thoughts, worries, or even worse situations which I haven't had experience yet and hopefully not ;) this whole thing I'd named it with an operation code, say, "Grandfather Clock", initial "GC". GC began with a nice little misunderstanding of words, he said 'I like you' as an expression of affection, but I percieved as a friendly saying (i.e. not so meaningful). then things kind of moving too fast but in whole they were not out of control, yet, until one particular occasion I gave a very clear 'no' answer, the result turned out to be very disappointing because he didn't take my word seriously and broke the previously agreed condition with ackonwledgement of my rage. for me it's the end of anything we had together, even just staying around with him, I don't want to be friend with a person who deliberately provokes me just for fu...

我最最親愛的你，生日快樂 雖然不能大肆的幫你慶祝了，但是心意還是在的喔（看我還記得你生日） 一個人在愛丁堡也待了好一陣子了，沒有說很久大概也只有半年左右 這段時間真的是第一次我覺得念書好快樂（笑）即使念的很辛苦，常常要熬夜才能把所有的東西都看過（還不見得能看的很懂）第二天上研討才不會回答不出來教授的問題，可是心裡面卻不覺得很辛苦，所以真的是到了這個時點才能體會你說的『如果是自己很喜歡的東西，再怎麼熬夜再怎麼辛苦的念書都是快樂的』那種矛盾的狀態，你也知道我有多重視睡眠時間XD 也是在這樣的狀態之下我可以理解當時你看著我那樣浪費時間的不爽 真的，學問真的太廣闊窮極一生大概都游不到看的到陸地的時候，而我卻肆意揮霍我最寶貴的資產 是說後悔也來不及了啦XD現在開始努力追看看，總會有讓我自己滿意的成績的 在這邊受到不同文化的啟發也讓我思考了很多以前沒有去想過的問題，只能說之前我對自己太縱容，太容許自己的恣意懶散，對我自己的個性的了解也太少，但是這些以前刻意忽視的地方都慢慢的浮現，慢慢的從我不曾注意的面相跳出來，讓我必須要去面對跟處理 希望你之後的計畫跟旅程也能更加的開拓你的視野，我之前一直受益於你的不同觀點的刺激，期待你航向新世界之後能有更多的想法 Bon voyage!

after spending my time, in reality four or five years, to answer the really crucial questions I posed upon myself this msc programme forced me to think faster and more efficient  consider the outcomes and the ways of doing things I have to say, the wasting must stop now, I lose not only my money assets but also my time value why exhausted myself over all the bullshit that I don't actually have to put up to goodbye to you, thank you for your time and I'd just like things to remain this way  no more, maybe less

I think my hormone just goes wild right now probably signaling my cycle is near the corner  it's easy to feel stressed, sensitive with emotions fxxx the emotional management! do that when you have period, and see how good you can 'manage' it just a hug, that's all I need to calm down btw, I start to dream during nights, not a good sign, I can't get rest that I need most  very bad :(

was trying to combine chicken marengo with spagetti but fail maybe next time sliced chicken thigh will help :P mushroom spagetti was quite nice though, didn't know they could get along so well  anyway, planning for next friday dinner,  Boeuf Bourguignon as main course, maybe baked garlic mushrooms as starter, and something sweet to finish the night 

I remembered the sound of my heart broken in to pieces at the end of January set it loose, hopefully you're free and I'll be free maybe relieved

I had a presentation today in the afternoon, the article was good, critical and took me almost three days to summarise without rehearsal, I talked a bit stiff and not as fluently as the corporate finance one but anyway I still remembered my points and made it enough for 15 mins well-prepared and familiar with topic are above all most important, I presume with my good mood and high spirit, I spent two more hours reading required textbook in the library got back to my flat at 8 pm, defreezed salmon and vegetables  started cooking at 8.37, finished at 9.33 eating and cleaning up til 9.58 one and a half hour, all done, with something left for tomorrow lunch or dinner lovely evening and relaxing through cooking 

Peter asked me to offer some 'girl' point of view when shopping for his girlfriend's V-day present thank God I had made my plan and kept up with it well so I could squeeze a whole afternoon to spend just enjoy the process of buying, not buying itself though I did find something I was looking for :P but one never knows  like a treasure hunt for me everytime I went out with friends my word is my bond what a good saying! keep on going!

as the final results came out on Friday morning, me and some friends decided party for the night  we went to my girl friend's place have some drinks from 10 pm to 12 am then went out to clubbing til 3 am came back to cmh, exhausted and content   good time, nice people what else could one ask?