Lost Draft

最近事情真的是多到一直來一直來，我快煩死了@@ 比利時也好、德國也好 可以先讓我做完我該做的事情了，頭腦也清楚的時候來處理事情嗎？ 是不是人生就是註定要有高低起伏，心靈的平靜也只能自己修嗎...那我的level大概還是太低階了 請不要帶我越級打怪啊(T^T)

this is something new for me, at least i've never jumped into this field so i need more reading for sure and good thing is i enjoy the process of gaining knowledge, reading is not a problem i have different preferences, that's it, no need to change coz i don't know how even though i'm in my break, i'm still reading, mb not relevant to my topic of interest but anyway reading :p no mood for going out... especially with all the stuff coming in next half year... keep calm is the most i can do now

just knew my final results, no resit just passed but i'm a bit disappointed about myself, judging from the 2nd semester results i didn't give my best in final exams mb i was not well-prepared this outcome influenced my feelings and somehow might also impact on my future choice of career... does this mean bye-bye phd? i'm so confused and so anxious about everything i couldn't write my draft and i ate a lot... not a good sign coz normally i don't need so much food to survive it could be my lesson to learn, how to keep calm and carry on when all seems to fail on me...  have faith, God please bless me with courage and wisdom, passion and persistence, amen

couldn't stop listening~ it's a good piece :) 

came back to cmh after clubbing til 3 am, witnessed sunrise very unique for me, also the first time :p but all my german friends told me that it's nothing, just wait til i reach germany and they'll take me out having fun til 5 or 6 am sounds promising :) i'll definitely join such night out first continue with my own work, draft deadline is ahead

my heart will cold down if you treat me as if I'm nothing to you any slightly response will warm up my hope thank you for encouraging me in this most effective and efficient way I will try to work all my best :)

i hope we will meet again soon all the best!!

mb it's not so fair to say so but everybody's leaving hwu campus, it just makes me sad  after finishing the tasks of this certain period, we all are moving on to the next stage of our own journeys crossed at hwu and had a such wonderful time together, made best of our time i should feel happy for everyone ;) we might have the chance to meet again somewhere in this small world, we might see each other again soon in graduation ceremony, but once we passed by, it's just like that, nothing more i hope my journey will carry on, to the place i want to be, may God bless me with strength and courage to continue my path into the unknown and i hope i can see you, my dear friends, once more 

I know I'll always want to exceed myself, pursuing excellence, breaching limits it's my nature, on the other hand, also my curse; I tried to escape from it but in the end I just couldn't fight it I can't deny myself after all  so no matter what, just stay with my true self, and be with those who make me want to be a better person accepting who I really am; then, keep on walking :) 

我其實蠻討厭那種犧牲自己照亮他人的個性 （當然我不可能是那種人，我他x的太自私了） 犧牲的人，這裡說的是真的犧牲生命去換其他人的存活 有沒有想過那些受你恩澤的人想不想要這樣，願不願意用你的生命換他們的 至少我就不要 那種人情債一輩子都還不了，而且我絕對不認同死一個救萬人的這種交換方式，太爛了

雖然說被別人關心感覺起來好像應該要開心吼... 這算是被關心了嗎XD 離題 那種態度反反覆覆，又不說破的模糊界線真的是讓我很北宋 最痛恨就是那種吊人胃口、給你希望最後又跟你說很抱歉請無視我剛剛的發言 喔幹那你沒事說這些東西是要怎樣？想要怎樣就明白的說清楚，這會很難嗎...？可能真的很難 你說話傷到我，不管是心情還是自尊隨便，那也是我的問題，跟你沒關係 想好考慮好再告訴我你的決定，你的決策過程我只能提供資訊無法幫你下決定，反之亦然 唉，光是想到我是整個package吃下來的這種個性，總有一天會真正的死很慘 真的，你做好準備吧，我是個愛了就予取予求，不愛了就絕對無情的個性，希望你不會把我對你的愛消耗殆盡，結局像是那些前人一樣

for this semester, overall i still have quite good performance in terms of coursework the third one i didn't put much effort due to time constrain; however, the mark was surprisingly high, 70% the result suggested either i am really a genius or i learn how to criticise an article; well, i'm more convinced by the later

跟小樂出去逛街XD外加吃吃喝喝到處亂走行程 很多事情真的是要說給好朋友聽，自己才能理出頭緒的感覺 如果今天沒有這樣好好的說，以及被其他人檢查（或是說評論） 很多事情還是隱藏在潛意識亂糟糟的，沒有被整理 婚姻 戀愛 友情 其實我還在想，為什麼變成男女朋友之後態度就要改變呢 不就是跟當朋友的時候一樣嗎？ 我愛你，所以希望你開開心心的過生活 如果你的開心不是建立在跟我在一起的基礎上，那就去找能讓你開心的對象吧 這個『希望對方幸福快樂』的假設，即使我日後會難過那個讓你開心的人不是我，或是我做不到，也就只能這樣，我想我遠遠的看我也會很開心的 流淚、難過、無力這些很負面很悲傷的情緒是一定會有的 不過只要記住一件事情，就是你的旅程本來就是一個人（自己） 即使是一生的摯愛也僅僅是這段長程旅途中的旅伴 所以不但要成就自己也應該要成就他人 為什麼愛情一定要這樣的限制自由呢？ 又應該說，為什麼是由別人（另一半）來界定你的自由？難道自己沒有一個行事的準則嗎？ 還是我太奇怪了@@ 愛上一個人不就是會愛他的全部？ 也就是說我之前想要的其實是對方能夠給我在愛情中足夠的空間跟自由，可是忘記了自由這種東西本來就是取決於自己的意志 無關對於對方的喜愛或是任何其他的特質 也許對方的特質就是隨波逐流，不去計畫未來，以不準備對付千變萬化 這種隨意隨性過生活的能力我很欣賞，但是不是我能夠去做的... 所以發現自己不愛的時候真的就是這樣全盤推翻 有夠無情 婚姻，對我來說在神的面前發誓是非常嚴肅的決定 如果這個對象從根本就是錯的，很悲劇的，之後會完全變成修行... 抱持著『大家試試看』的想法一開始就會走錯路，除非遇到的人就是命運之人 很不幸的，我不太相信我有這樣的運氣，或是說，命運之人會是以這種方式降臨我的生命 所以還是睜大眼睛看清楚，再做決定吧... 朋友，重質不重量 尤其是經歷過這些年來的驚嚇，我真的覺得不要浪費時間跟合不來的人交往了 有些人就是不合拍，這樣也不用強求，頻率對了就會走在一起，至於其他，就看緣份吧... 但是已經是好朋友的那些人，都已經這麼多年的友誼了，沒什麼能說不能說的狗屁，還要在你們面前帶面具我他x的很累，看不順眼說出來，...

i only got one hour (maybe plus 30 minutes) sleep and then left for Manchester International Airport although i exhausted myself over those assignments and didn't get much sleep either, i feel happy and content at the same time because me and mr. hamberg finally had some insight discussion about our own expectations and our near future plans, which would be very useful in terms of making my own arrangement  i really appreciated his honesty with me, and i shall return the same favor mb the timing is still wrong for now, if God prepared this person for me, we'll end up with each other finally  for now, at least we will have some time together and just cherish each other's accompany, i guess that's the best i can offer in return of what he has offered, inspirations, way of thinking, way of organizing things thank you for making me want to become a better girl :) i'll be grateful for that all my life right now i have to concentrate on my next stage plan preparation and ...

很快的寫一下，因為是剛剛跟大人們討論出來的東西 知道自己想要什麼，不能失去/錯過什麼，在規劃人生的道路上面比較不容易迷失自己隨波逐流 不是說隨波逐流不好，只能說那不是我的哲學，不是我的核心價值觀 的確我對很多事情都有計畫，我也知道計畫跟不上變化，但是當自己心中有了定見之後，才能從混亂中生存 對我自己我的要求很高，因為那是我跟我自己的戰鬥，我用以榮耀我的主宰的方式 只能說，未來的伴侶，真的是要能夠看著相同方向，並且也在朝著相同方向前進的人 其他人我只能謝謝你的愛，對不起我不是你的Miss Right

in mid-March, it snowed all night in EDI and this was the view i woke up to, damn   things are a bit out of control right now still three essays on the road and neither of them closing to finish, shocking! finals are coming and i'm not sure the time i set to prepare is enough...i need excellent grades, this time is not like first semester, experiencing everything, this is war!!! handing my proposal and unsure how my supervisor is going to say... defining my feelings and figuring out what i really want... this is the most important priority to me of course i know my current goals and aims, but also i have to plan the future, step by step future is the path from present

(from another window, one living proof of how Scotland weather changes dramatically, snowy in night but sunny in day)  this is what Anna told me just now mb i should think of my dissertation as a broader idea coz i might be doing it for PhD if i want to oh man, that's two birds with one stone, if i really go further, i have to be more cautious with my dissertation now ouch!! thanks to different friends with various points of views, helps a lot

洋蔥番茄培根義大利麵，非常的好吃但是也非常的高血壓XD調味只有鹽巴跟黑胡椒，少許義大利混合香草 先下培根，等到油出的差不多開始下洋蔥跟大蒜，洋蔥軟了之後下番茄，等番茄軟了就可以把煮剛好的義大利麵丟下去了 這個禮拜整個人懶洋洋的沒勁做事，大概是開始想吃家裡的食物吧（或者說，家鄉的食物） 剛剛把整顆大白菜切段，用辣油炒，配上阿舍乾麵，白菜我沒有放太多鹽巴，嘟嘟好配上過鹹的阿舍乾麵醬汁，完美 （但是我想我應該要反省一下，一餐就吃掉一整顆大白菜這有點太超過了...但是也只有麵跟菜...） 回台灣一定要好好的吃這邊吃不到的東西...天啊真的是雞排、蚵仔麵線、有的沒的夜市小吃是我最最懷念（幾乎也是最最不健康的）食物耶

again back to the same old question but actually effective and important one What is your motive to make such choice? It's a very good one, and I've not given it a good and thorough thought still weighing my options but I guess this question will hunt me down to last minute if I don't try to figure out...

this is a quick wrap-up I normally have when I really want to close something bothered me, feelings, thoughts, worries, or even worse situations which I haven't had experience yet and hopefully not ;) this whole thing I'd named it with an operation code, say, "Grandfather Clock", initial "GC". GC began with a nice little misunderstanding of words, he said 'I like you' as an expression of affection, but I percieved as a friendly saying (i.e. not so meaningful). then things kind of moving too fast but in whole they were not out of control, yet, until one particular occasion I gave a very clear 'no' answer, the result turned out to be very disappointing because he didn't take my word seriously and broke the previously agreed condition with ackonwledgement of my rage. for me it's the end of anything we had together, even just staying around with him, I don't want to be friend with a person who deliberately provokes me just for fu...